Revenge is the Best Medicine

Over the ages, the act of revenge has gone from a sacred way of life to an act of which to be ashamed and avoid. I disagree. A little clean, honest, LEGAL revenge can be just the thing to help you forgive and forget at least some of the indiscretions whether imagined or real that have been committed against you. Revenge gives you a terrific alternative to pouting, grouching, gossiping, and being spite-filled for years to come. A little reprisal can go a long way to cleansing the sprite and renewing the soul. Here are just a few tactics assured to enrage your foe with little effort on your part and a very minimal chance of your actions being proved as deliberate affronts. Introduce her new husband by the ex-husband’s first name. When approached with a last minute project, ask lots of questions . . . spaced out . . . over the period of the project . . . one at a time . . . ensuring the offending party . . . no solid block of concentration . . . for the duration of the time . . . you are inconvenience by their bad timing. Forget to put a fabric softener/anti-static sheet in the dryer with your wife’s undergarments. She will think if you with every electrifying step, with every tug at her slip and skirt, and with ever static filled shock. Rearrange the person’s desk, kitchen, files, closet, or medicine cabinet. Heck, go crazy! Do all of the above. Never spell his name correctly. Invite her to dinner and when she shows up, swear the mistake was hers and the dinner party was the night before. It is perfectly acceptable to then serve week old leftovers to the poor embarrassed soul. Tape the WWF over her sister’s wedding. Ya know all those magic little boxes that pop up on certain websites asking you to refer a friend. Refer a friend. Often. Preferably giving their work email address and phone number. Fix your 22-year-old friend up with your 46 year old college chum who still lives with her mother, talks to her cat, and spends more time and money on the Psychic Hotline than she does on hygiene. Call during the final episode of Survivor just to chat about old times. Answer all phone messages left after 10PM at 5 AM bright and early the following morning. This is most effective on the weekend. Eat a medium rare burger in front of a devote vegetarian. Ask him to have a vasectomy. Wear your high school cheerleading outfit to your teenager’s homecoming game. Tell her she reminds you of your mother. Tell your sister’s children about all the little no-no’s she committed at their age. Follow up with diagrams. Buy your grandchildren a drum set. Talk during the movie. Order an expensive meal and don’t eat it. Tell her you need to talk to her about something important, but it will have to wait until later. Put off the conversation as long as possible and then be as vague as possible.